defective yeti

@robdaviaugamer LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW

— Matthew Baldwin (@matthewbaldwin) May 27, 2012

Over the Memorial Day weekend, Rob Daviau ran an epic game of Tomb of Horrors.

Lest the names ring no bells: “Rob Daviau” was previously mentioned on this blog as designer of the excellent Risk: Legacy, while “Tomb of Horrors” is the legendary (and notoriously lethal) 1978 adventure for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, the playing of which was de rigueur for anyone who dabbled in the 1st edition of AD&D.

Throughout the month of May, Daviau sent a number of tweets about his preparations for the big game. Finally, over the Memorial Day weekend, he inflicted the dungeon on his friends, and kept his Twitter followers appraised of the carnage.

Here are his tweets, reprinted with permission:

Prologue

Going to run people through 1st Edition Tomb of Horror in a few weeks.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 4, 2012

Oh yeah. Found in my basement. Blank yellow sheets for each character class inside. Bonus: I feel like I’m 12 again. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 4, 2012

Generating PCs for a 1st edition AD&D romp through Tomb of Horrors. Lots of fondness for that edition but it really makes no sense.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 17, 2012

Also shocked at how many things I remember, like HP bonuses for a 16 CON and damage for a long sword.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 17, 2012

@jbrinkmeyer That can be arranged. We also have the “die quietly like a bitch” option as well.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 23, 2012

 
 
Day One

Tomb of Horrors begins. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 26, 2012

Real entrance to tomb of horrors found. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 26, 2012

Ten foot poles came in handy. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 26, 2012

Tomb of Horrors update. Two mauled by a gargoyle. Two dead. 18 PCs now left to finish.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 26, 2012

The dead. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 26, 2012

 
 
Day Two

Excited to kill more hapless PCs today in Tomb of Horrors.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Coffee, donuts, tombs, and death. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Secret door maze. Tomb of Horrors. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Second great hall. Need to kill someone soon. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Giant skeleton in the chest failed to kill. Disappointing. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

First character to be spat out nude from the tomb. Effectively a kill. 3 down. 17 to go.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Room 14. Chapel of Evil. #tombofhorrors twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Someone touched the altar. One more dead. 16 left.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

People fall in pits. People miss poison spikes. Sad. #TombOfHorrors

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Hallway of pits. #TombOfHorrors twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Fighting the false lich.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

Done for the day. Fatigue all around (and time to be a dad). Will finish in AM.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 27, 2012

 
 
Day Three

The Tomb hungers! (But I don’t, because I had pancakes.)

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

Man, I love this Dwarven Forge stuff. #tombofhorrors twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

Totally fast forwarded past the Siren and rolling elephant. They are about to enter the Pillared Throne Room.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

The Pillared Hall. twitter.com/robdaviaugamer…

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

Acererak sucked out one soul. That feels good.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

Tomb of Horrors done. Satisfied and tired.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

 
 
Epilogue

Final count. Two mauled. One electrocuted. One burned. Two fled. One sacrificed. One soul devoured.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

Rewrote the lyrics to Jim Carroll’s “People Who Died” to commemorate the Tomb of Horrors victims. Just don’t know where to post it.

— robdaviaugamer (@robdaviaugamer) May 28, 2012

 
 
A Point of Clarification

Says Daviau:

The victory condition was “steal the demi-lich’s treasure and leave,” not “kill the demi-lich”. The first is possible; the second is not. Careful reading of the text shows that you can rob him blind in the final room as long as you don’t touch his skull. If you do that, you die. Once my players figured out “don’t touch the skull”, they won.

The things you need to do to kill the demi-lich are so obscure, non-intuitive, and bizarre that no one would think to do them. And the adventure doesn’t give any clues to it so you’d have to work it in to the campaign ahead of time.

 
 
Q&A

Matthew: Do you play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons?
Rob Daviau: I did as a middle school kid, then off and on since then. I play when I can, but finding a regular campaign has eluded me since about 1999. Either I don’t the time, or a group is too far away, or, as often is the case, the group just doesn’t feel right. Being in a D&D group is like being in a band. If the vibe is slightly off, it’s just not the same.

M: Why 1st edition Tomb of Horrors?
RD: I’m 42, so 1e is the way I’ve played 85%+ of my D&D experiences. As I got older, I didn’t have the time I did when I was 11-15. So there’s a certain fondness for it. I’ve also been playtesting the D&DNext rules for Wizards of the Coast since November and I wanted to go back and see how 1e rules felt as an adult—how much was nostalgia and how much still held together.

Playing Tomb of Horrors came after reading Ready Player One, where the 1e Tomb has a prominent role. After finishing the book I went back and read the module for the first time in 30 years. It seemed unfair, biased, and kind of crazy. My guess is that future editions make it more “fair”, so I wanted to go back to Gygax’s original vision.

I have to say that the experience, both the system and the module, were far better than I expected from the prep work. I scared the hell out of the players and they really did take their time to think things through, resulting in a far lower death rate than anticipated, and hoped for. Also 1e, for all its useless parts, really puts things in the hands of the DM. You only use about 5% of the rules since the rest don’t really make sense. What I discovered is that a lack of rules results a lack of rules lawyers. Its as simple as that.

M: I’ve never played Tomb of Horrors, but isn’t 20 PCs an insane number of players?
RD: It would be if that were a player count, but it was a character count. I was at a friend’s home convention, where there was going to be over 30 people, with perhaps 15 or so D&D players. But I didn’t want people to have to commit to the whole adventure (it took about 8-10 hours), nor be disappointed if they died in the first minute, so I recast the adventure as a sort of puzzle. Five players would play at once, using characters from the pre-gen pool; when a character died, a new one could be brought in. This way players could come and go, and also not feel bad if they character they were playing died suddenly.

M: At one point you mention Dwarven Forge. What is that?
RD: The company that makes the incredible 3D dungeon walls, floors, etc., that you see throughout my pictures. My friend has just enough money and just too little willpower, and ended up buying a tremendous amount of it about 10 years ago. We had a lot of fun building these rooms. Grown nerds just look for opportunities like this.

M: May I post your Jim Carroll “People Who Died” rewrite?
RD: Please do. I wrote it because there were people still at the convention who had spent the weekend actually jamming in the garage. I threw it at them as a challenge to learn and record it. The results are below.
 
 
All the PCs Who Died

Fodder the Fighter, he was 8 levels high
Gargoyle hit him, ripped out his spine
Aryk was next up on the gargoyle’s list
Threw him in a pit but Aryk can’t fly
Davin entered an arch of smoke and mist
Sprung out naked and started to cry
He was a friend of mine

Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Karl was astonishing, a gnome of some reknown
Touched a lightning altar so they put him in the ground
Dravin got the shakes from a gas of fear and dread
Fled the tomb of horrors, with our gold but he’s not dead
They were two more friends of mine
Two more friends that died

Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

The Mincer ran in fear and took a bad left turn
Slid down a polished slope and started to burn
No-name 12 was a wizard who the group agreed to kill
To find a secret door that was invisible
And No-name 12, I miss you more than all the others
And I salute you brother

Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Howard Hughes the cleric had just found his groove
Ended up some jelly on the demi-lich roof
Cringar of West had been there longest
But someone knocked the skull and Acererak kills the strongest
But Cringar didn’t cry, Cringar died

Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

The rest grabbed the loot from the last little room
Made their way out of this filthy little tomb
They got some bitchin potions, a rod, and some gems
So the others didn’t die in vain,
And No-Name 12, I miss you more than all the others
And I salute you brother

Those are PC who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Original Article

In observance of National Bike to Work Day, I have compiled a list of tips for motorists on co-existence with cyclists: How to Not Kill a Cyclist.

Original Article

I’ve been entering CAPTCHAs on a website and receiving nothing but errors.

My assumption, after the third failure, was that the CAPTCHA system was screwy. But now, after 10, I’m in the midst of a full-blown existential crisis. Like, maybe I can’t read CAPTCHAs. Maybe this is a Rachael-in-Blade-Runner scenario.

Hahaha, but that’s ridiculous. I mean, some of you have memories of me as a child. Right? Memories of me as a child? Anyone?

Also, have you ever listened to an mp3 CAPTCHA? It sounds like The Ring: The Novelization: The Audiobook.

Original Article

Once when I was a child, my mother gave me an Oreo. I shoved the entire thing into my mouth and, while chewing, asked if I could have another.

She said, “You should concentrate on enjoying the cookie you’re eating instead of thinking about the next one.”

That is pretty much the best advice I have ever received in my life.

Original Article

My yoga card for the local gym has four punches left on it, and expires in as many days. And thus the stage is set for a showdown between my frugality and inflexibility.

This card, which I bought a little under a year ago, was my second. The first was purchased after a consultation with a weight trainer who, after evaluating my physical capabilities, told me not to darken his dumbells until I returned a little more limber. That came as no surprise, honestly, as inflexibility runs on the maternal side of my family. Even as a beanpole of a child I spent the “touch your toes” portion of gym class getting reacquainted with my kneecaps at best.

So, yoga. My gym has a “Happy Hour” session every weekday at 4:30 (so named because “Agony Hour” went over poorly with the focus group, I presume), each with a different teacher. I tried a few different days before finding an instructor with the perfect mix of patience, mercy, and amazing playlist.

The first thing I learned about yoga is that it has a profoundly screwed up incentive system. When you do something wrong, a lovely and/or handsome instructor comes over and places a hand on you and murmurs words of encouragement. If, on the other hand, you accidentally improve, you are able to more closely approximate the ideal pose, and wake up the following morning feeling like you were on the wrong end of a grapeshot cannon. The ideal strategy, I have found, is to just sort of flounder around aimlessly. In this regard I am a master strategist.

The only thing worse than bringing a knife to a gun fight is bringing a cellphone to a yoga class.

— Matthew Baldwin (@matthewbaldwin) March 4, 2011

Prior to this I had only done Wii Fit yoga, which is to actual yoga what playing with a Hotwheels car is to piloting the space shuttle. The Wii Fit yoga instructor tells you to hold your pose for a mere 60 seconds, and only comments if you seem “shaky”. This is because the sole input device used by Wii Fit yoga is the balance board. Real life yoga instructors, on the other hand, can evaluate a multitude of other factors, such as whether or not you are audibly sobbing. And they make you do yoga for a full hour instead of for just 10 minutes. And “taking a breather” in the middle to drink beer and play Wii Lego Star Wars is frowned upon. It’s pretty draconian.

On the up side, “gym” yoga is not like “yoga studio” yoga, in that many of the participants are just dabblers. Even so, I have rarely seen another as inflexible as myself. In one class I was behind a woman who seemed to be struggling as much as I during the initial, limbering up exercises, and it was only when we began the routine proper, and she turned to the side, that I discovered that she was in her third or possibly fourth trimester.

Still, for all that, I eventually grew to enjoy my sessions, and got in the habit of attending every Thursday afternoon. I even used up my punchcard and purchased another. But, alas, about halfway through the second, my Thursday afternoon instructor introduced us to the “Knife In the Back” pose, by resigning from the gym and moving to California to open her own studio. BOOO TO YOU PRETTY YOGA TRAITOR LADY!

My yoga studio will be called NOTHIN’ BUT CHILD’S POSE!

— Matthew Baldwin (@matthewbaldwin) January 28, 2012

I tried a few other instructors thereafter. Some were mean (“If you’re going to make faces you may as well smile” one told me), and others employed Bad Music (one just played Sufjan Stevens’s “Illnoise” album during our session, which was fine until the phrase “cancer of the bone” rang out during the downward facing dog). Eventually I fell off the yogatic wagon altogether.

Until earlier this week, that is, when I dug out my card and found it set to expire with five boxes unpunched. And so yesterday, after six months of absenteeism, I returned to Happy Hour Yoga … only to discover that Tuesdays are now the “core workout” session. As I have the core strength of a bundt cake, and will sooner become the Secretary of the Agriculture before planking for longer than a handful of seconds, it Did Not Go Well.

At least the instructor constantly urged us to “tighten your stomach muscles”. This is the functional equivalent of “sucking in your gut”, something I habitually do in yoga class unbidden, so I was pleased to discover that there is one maneuver I can perform flawlessly.

One down, four punches to go. Hopefully they won’t all feel like they were delivered to my midsection.

Original Article

This morning at Starbucks I ordered a latte grande with a shot of vanilla. I was pleased that I remembered to say “grande”; I usually say “big” and then receive an impromptu lecture on Starbucks sizing nomenclature.

I did not, however, remember to specify the potency, and so hastily added, “a double”. The achingly young barista smiled and chirpily replied, “duh!”

I was little irritated, of course. But I was also filled with pride, that my generation’s method of mocking the elderly is still employed by the youth of today.

Original Article